


The Road Back To Each Other

by lady_snow



Category: The Young and the Restless
Genre: F/M, Reunions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21874300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_snow/pseuds/lady_snow
Summary: The year is 1995 and Nicholas Newman is in jail for a crime he didn't commit. The Newman family struggles to hold on.As Victor and Nikki try to deal with their feeling of helplessness, the spark between them ignites to a burning flame.Can they deal with their feelings to each other, on top of everything else? Do they even know what they want? And what's to keep them from making the same bloody mistakes all over again?(Originally written in 1999. My first fanfiction.)
Relationships: Nikki Newman/Victor Newman
Comments: 3
Kudos: 1





	1. Even in the storm we will find some light

**Author's Note:**

> Back in the ninties and early 2000, I was a teen and the the hugest Victor and Nikki fan ever.  
> On 1999 began writing a pretty massive fanfic, dating back to 1995. Revolving around Nick going to jail and V&N dealing with it and a lot of other problems. 
> 
> I thought it might be a good idea to post it. It's currently languishing in the misty waters of archive.org. 
> 
> I'm not ashamed of it, which is not bad for something I wrote in a language which is not my mother tongue on the brink of adulthood. I still like my plot and it's all IC, But it's not betaed and it's a bit rough, phrasing as well as grammar wise.

The wind was howling outside the grounds of the Newman Ranch, the naked trees, with their fallen leaves, symbolising all too well the emptiness Nikki was feeling.  
She was lying curled up on the couch in her silk robe, in the front of the blazing fire, listening to the falling snow, staring into nothing.  
Miguel came by twice earlier, to sadly ask if she was all right, and if she needed anything. By the third time he asked her, she snapped at him to leave her the hell alone, and he retreated to the kitchen.  
She flinched in regret; it was badly done, her housekeeper was there from the moment Nicholas was born and was quite upset over the entire thing. She should apologize later, but his concern was more than she could bear.

As much as Nikki tried, she couldn't help thinking about how those 15 years beyond bars were going to be horrible on her son.

Never in her life did she feel so helpless. There was nothing she could do as she watched them take him away, afraid, but trying to be brave for their family's sake.  
She buried her face in her hands and tried to control her tears. She couldn't cry anymore; it was just the pain wrenching her heart, she felt so incredibly alone.

She had seen Victor after the sentence was given; he came to the ranch for a few moments. Their conversation felt strange and awkward, two parents at a loss, facing the same deep pain and a similar numbness.  
Nikki fell apart as soon as he left, crying until she could cry no more, and then tried to get some sleep...a sleep that never came.

So, she went back downstairs and tried to call Victor, yet there was no answer at the penthouse or the office. Nikki debated calling Victoria but she knew her daughter was hurting, too. She could not burden her with her own grief.

Lighting flashed, and the thunder roared. The windows of the ranch shook. It was a horrible storm;

Nikki shivered and pulled the blanket up to her neck...Suddenly she heard a key turning in the keyhole. 

Nikki jumped at her feet, frightened.  
Victor walked into the room, wearing his riding clothes and a leather jacket above it.

He was drenched in water, his hair wet and sticking to his forehead, he was not wearing any gloves and he was covered with a light cover of melted snow, which he made no attempt to shake off.

Nikki gasped, "Victor...Oh dear god, you scared me!"

Victor did not reply. He simply walked inside, footsteps heavy, and his shoulders slumped.  
He looked like a man defeated, and when he finally raised his eyes to look up at Nikki, it reflected the pain she was feeling. Nikki shivered involuntarily at the pain she saw in it.

She asked him worriedly, her eyes searching his face. "Are you okay?"  
He replied quietly, looking at her but not really seeing her. "I just went for a ride"  
Nikki asked tenderly, frowning "In the snow? Oh Victor..."

Still standing near the entrance, Victor shrugged, "I guess I needed that, to sort out my thoughts."

Nikki approached him, her heart crumbling inside of her to see him looking so alone. She said in a concerned voice, "Come, let me take it off you, you'll freeze."

Victor said nothing as he let her help him out of his jacket; he just stood in the middle of the room.

Nikki put the jacket in front of the fire on the chair, and then walked back to Victor, who was still unresponsive. "Victor?", she asked softly, as she tried to catch his eyes. "Say something".  
She reached out and touched his hands, and gasped "You're freezing, come here." Nikki led him to the front of the fire, and took his cold hands in her own and quickly rubbed them together to keep them warm.

She pleaded, looking intently into his eyes "Victor, please talk to me, please?" She said fearfully, "You're scaring me when you're like that."

Victor slowly pulled his hands from her grasp and raised his head to look at Nikki; a black, hollow look in his eyes, and asked, "What would you like me  
to say? I've failed you, I've failed myself, and I’ve failed my son."  
Nikki let out a soft sigh of disagreement but Victor cut her off. "He trusted me to get him out of his mess, and I have failed him."

Nikki had tears in her eyes as she said, "Oh Victor, you didn't, it wasn't your fault... it wasn't anyone's fault, okay? I can't let you blame yourself."

Victor snapped angrily, "But I am blaming myself Nikki! Our son is doomed for 15 years in that god-forsaken hellhole, and there is nothing I can do, nothing! I have never...." He sighed, and shook his head, "Never felt so helpless in my entire life...I should have paid that bastard Matt Clark what he wanted. I let my ego get in the way of completing the deal, in the price of our son's freedom."

Nikki looked at him, not quite knowing what to say to make him feel less at fault. "Victor, you couldn't have known." She stressed, retaking his hands in her own. "It wasn't your fault and I don't want to ever hear you say that!" 

Her voice shook as she said, "You've found Amy, and she may talk to us! It can happen day now. She can give us the information we need to save Nicholas."

Victor didn't answer her; he just looked at her with a sad look.  
Nikki asked with growing concern, "Victor?"

Victor sighed and explained, "Amy can't talk now, or not at all, and we are not at all sure she has any information to save our son...." His voice rose with every word, "Until she does speak, all I can do is sit and wait, while our son's life is in constant danger!"

Nikki shook her head no, tears accumulating in her eyes. "Victor, you can't do that, you can't lose hope. You can't lose hope that we would find a way to free him. Because if you lose hope, I lose hope, and I can't deal with it." She said desperately,”It's the only thing that keeps me going. I can't deal with the thought of losing our son forever, I can't!"

He looked at her and said with tears in his eyes. "I just feel so helpless. I don't know what else I can do... I was riding all night, looking for answers... I have found none, I can't see the hope." His voice shook, and he struggled on the last word.

A thunder stuck as Nikki reached to touch Victor's cheek, and she was startled to see how cold he was. She said tenderly, "Victor, you will get yourself sick."

He did not react, and Nikki insisted, "Please, just go and take a warm shower, okay?"

Victor said nothing in response and didn't give any indication he even heard her.

Nikki pleaded, "Victor, please! Nicholas needs you! It won't help him if you catch pneumonia right now. Please go and take that shower and I will see if I can find you something dry to wear." She softly added, "Please?"  
Victor lifted his eyes to look at her, nodded quietly, and headed to the upstairs bathroom.

Nikki looked after him helplessly, biting her upper lip. She was deeply concerned by his mood and didn't know what to say to him. The pain he was feeling, she was feeling it as well, but it was frightening to see the man she was counting on for support and comfort, so broken....it was unsettling.

Nikki blinked, wanting to concentrate on something else. She headed to the closet in her bedroom and searched after a shirt, or a pair of pants Victor might have left there from the old days. She found a pair of pants and a blue shirt, and then ran into his old robe.

Holding the robe, she went to the bathroom and knocked on the door...once, and twice, Victor didn't answer.

Frowning, and not hearing the water running, she opened the door a crack and found him standing in the middle of the bathroom, wearing only a pair of wet trousers, his chest covered with mud and water, staring at something he was holding in his hands.

Nikki called out tenderly as she walked in, "Victor..." He turned around to look at her, a little surprised to see her there. Nikki shrugged and said, "I knocked and you didn't answer, I brought you your robe..." Her eyes couldn't help but trail around his naked chest, which was moist from the rain and snow... Shaken, she swallowed hard and asked him as she stepped closer, and absentmindedly hung the robe on the hanger. "What are you holding?"

Victor wordlessly opened his palm and showed her the locket. It had a tiny picture of little Victoria and Nicholas; she smiled a tearful smile. "The...the clip broke today, so I took it off." She said sadly, "I wanted to wear it to the hearing but it broke as I was putting it on." She looked up at him and said bitterly, "Ironic isn't it?"

He looked at her and managed a small smile. "Do you remember when I gave it to you?"

She nodded and said emotionally, "Yes, of course I do. On New Year's Eve, a year after Nicholas was born. I have always loved it..." Her voice choked and a sob escaped her lips; she put both of her hands on her face and sobbed, "Nick and Victoria looked so happy then, so young and innocent. He didn't do anything, Victor. What did he do to deserve this?!"

Victor looked at her painfully, a lump in his throat, and pulled her into a tight embrace, protectively enveloping her in his arms.

Nikki, sobbing, buried her face in his chest, instinctively wrapping her arms around him. Victor took a deep breath, his eyes welling up as he held her tightly. He planted a kiss on the top of her head, trying to sooth her. "Shhh...Sweetheart." He caressed her hair, "Please don't cry, it won't help." He closed his eyes and fought against the tears in his own eyes. It was so damn difficult, though.

They silently held each other like that for a few moments, just drawing comfort from each other's presence. Slowly, Nikki raised her head to look at Victor, and saw the glimmer of tears in his eyes, as he looked down at her. Her emotions reflecting on her face, she sent her hand to brush the tears away from his cheek...and with her index finger, distractedly tracing the line it created down his cheek, to the middle of his throat.

Victor blinked as she did that, and Nikki withdrew her hand. Suddenly she became very aware of their physical closeness, and yet she was unable to pull back from the comfort of his embrace, an embrace she had longed for the entire evening.

They stood like that for a moment, before Nikki flinched and pulled back. "You're cold, you should take that shower." She wiped her tears, "I'm sorry, I came here to check on you, and you here you are comforting me."

She took a step further away, shaken and confused. She mumbled, "I should leave, let you take your shower. I didn't mean to intrude." She was about to turn around and leave when Victor reached out and grabbed her wrist.

Nikki looked back at him, trying to restrain her tears, her face filled with agony.

Victor said softly, as he pulled her back gently toward him, "You're not intruding; I can see how much pain you are in."

Nikki didn't reply; she just looked up at him. There were no words to convey how utterly miserable she was feeling; but as it was Victor, there was no need.

Sighing deeply, Victor closed the gap between them and leaned down to kiss Nikki's forehead, and then the tears that leaked from both of her eyes. Slowly, he cupped her face with his hands and kissed her softly.

And then they froze as their lips touched, feeling an unmistakable wave of electricity going between them, and Nikki shuddered by the intensity of the emotion.

Both of them opened their eyes, their faces a mere inch from the other, standing close enough to hear the other's breath quicken.

Nikki, with a single movement she wasn't even aware she was doing, tilted her head slightly backwards, and then lifted her face to look at him, her eyes revealing unconcealed invitation. And a burning need.

Victor could see the naked vulnerability in her eyes as she looked at him, and that small movement broke the last of his resistance, resistance that had kept him away from her for years.

He leaned down to forcibly capture her mouth with his, putting all of his passion and all of his pain inside that kiss. He grabbed the sides of her head and devoured her mouth with his, letting out a low guttural groan as he felt her lips part to receive him and her tongue colliding with his own. Nikki, initially shocked by the intensity of the kiss, quickly succumbed to it, and slowly wrapped her arms around his neck, clinging to him, sighing against his mouth as she melted into his arms.

When they pulled back, there were tears in both of their eyes, and they stared at each other for a moment, breathing hard. Victor looked at Nikki, looking for signs of anger or protest, but couldn't find anything but incredible need and desire in those startlingly blue eyes of hers, and pulled her closer for another kiss, just as intense and demanding, his lips making an assault on her own, his tongue caressing the inside of her mouth.

Moving onto her toes, Nikki ran her hands through his hair as she clung to him, wanting to feel him as close as possible, as they kissed with the kind of primal lust that she remembered only too well from their love-making in the past.

Slowly, the kiss relaxed and grew tender as the initial urge passed, and Victor and Nikki slowly moved to exploree each other, as they hadn't done in along while.

Finally, pulling slightly back, Victor stopped for a moment to lean his forehead against hers, and compose his breathing.

The affect that kiss had on him was stronger than any kiss he had ever experienced, and he just had to stop if he wanted to maintain any kind of self-control, only he didn't know if he wanted to.

He reached out and caressed her cheek with an unsteady thumb, and Nikki opened her eyes to look at him. Her eyes burning with naked desire, she t out a needy moan"Why'd you stop?" Victor, panting, shook his head and whispered, "I don't know, should I stop?"

Nikki's glance flickered for a moment from his eyes to his lips, and then she answered his question as she leaned forward and slowly swiped her lips against his. She then stopped to hover mere millimetres from him, opening her eyes, having given her response.

Victor practically growled as he bent down to kiss her again, crushing his lips against her. One of his hands held the back of her head, grasping her hair as he pulled her against him, while the other hand shrugged off her silk robe and then slid it off her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor, leaving Nikki clad in nothing but black panties.

Nikki let out a surprised gasp as the cold air hit her skin, and Victor stopped the kiss, for just a moment, to look at her. "God you're beautiful", he whispered softly, looking at her with a sweet, strange mixture of lust and tenderness that brought a touch of blush to Nikki's cheeks. 

She needed to hear that, she needed him so much in those moments.

Without breaking eye contact with her, Victor put his hands on her shoulders, and then slid them downwards very slowly. His fingers moved softly downwards, lingering over her breasts long enough to make Nikki squirm and whimper with pent up frustration, until they finally came to a halt at her waist. Nikki shivered and let out a soft moan, closing her eyes.

Seeing her response, Victor lost all the control he had still struggled to maintain. Pulling her closer with one hand, he used the other one to tear her panties away. Nikki let out a gasp of desire and surprise and leaned toward him to capture his mouth with another kiss. Victor was about to deepen the kiss when Nikki started sliding her lips downwards, nibbling on his neck and occupying herself with the buttons of his jeans at the same time. That made Victor groan loudly and strengthen his grip on her as he felt himself reacting, and very much so.

The jeans were wet and Nikki had a hard time getting them down once she had unbuttoned them. Victor, frustrated, pulled away from Nikki and got rid of them himself. He then pulled Nikki against him, and hungrily moved to nibble on her neck, causing her to gasp and wrap her hands around his neck, drawing closer to him. His mouth and lips still moving over her collar bone, Victor's hands grasped her hips and lifted her up and against him, causing Nikki to wrap her legs around his waist for balance.

She kissed him passionately, all of her need and emotions coming to a boil in that kiss. Victor took maybe three steps and, still holding Nikki in his arms, pushed her against the wall, pressing his body against her own in the heat of passion, and returned to move his tongue down her jaw line.

Nikki squirmed as her exposed body made contact with the cold tiles, and mumbled, "Hmmm, Victor?" Victor, overpowered with desire, froze and pulled back to look at her. "What?" Nikki gave him a soft smile. "Inside the shower, I'm freezing". Victor winced, as he realized how uncomfortable it must be on her, considering the temperature in the room. He picked her up again and they moved toward the shower. Nikki untangled one of her legs from behind Victor and kicked the shower door open. Victor, with urgency born from incredible need and desire, got them both inside, still kissing, teasing each other with their lips, tasting and exploring.

Nikki unwrapped her legs and regained her position in front of Victor as she slid down to the floor, making it excruciatingly pleasurable for Victor, even though he was still in his boxers. Their eyes opened for a moment and they stared at each other, passion running high. They didn't stop to ponder, they just gave in to their most concealed and repressed desires, neither of them feeling even remotely able to resist the other.

Nikki reached out and tugged on the hem of his boxers with one playful finger, causing him to gasp and assist Nikki in pulling them down, and out of the shower. Looking down, Nikki couldn't help but smile a bit, and looked up at Victor with the closest thing to a glint he had seen in her eyes for months.

Victor noticed her expression and in return, leaned down to catch her lips with a kiss, his hands wrapping around her waist and pulling her closer against him, making sure she realized his situation was not a laughing matter.

Nikki reached behind him and turned on the shower. They both jumped as the water started cold at first, but the hot water quickly started running on their bodies as they kissed again, slowly and deliberately.

Slowly, Nikki pulled back slightly and moved to bury her lips in his throat, kissing her way down to his chest, trailing the tiny drops of water with her tongue....trailing with her lips on all the zones she knew had always made him squirm. Victor groaned loudly as her tongue flickered over one of his nipples and he tilted his head back and against the wall, sighing her name as his hand tighted on her hair.

Nikki traced a path with her lips over his chest and neck, until she reached his jaw line, and then she opened her eyes to look at him. Victor eyes were closed shut as he leaned against the wall of the shower, uncharacteristically succumbing to her soft touch without attempting to take control of their lovemaking.

Sensing that she had stopped, Victor opened his eyes to look at her. Nikki looked at him, shivers running down her spine. She needed him so much at that moment; she thought she couldn't bear it.

Victor recognized the yearning look in her eyes, but was seeing the pain, as well. The pain and heartache, and the need to be comforted by him.

He softly kissed her, running his fingers through her long, wet hair, and then down along her spine until they came to a halt on the small of her back. He then moved his lips to that hollow at the base of her throat, growing more aggressive as he sucked on that tender skin there, causing her to sigh and throw her head back, her fingernails raking the skin of his back.

That soft pain only excited Victor further, and he moved further down, moving his lips and tongue around each of her breasts, alternating between nipping and softly biting on them. Nikki fought to stay on her feet and not let herself be overwhelmed by her desire for him, as she arched her back against him, moaning his name.

Realizing that if they didn't stop and slow down, the whole thing would be over much too soon, Victor stopped and pulled back a little.

That caused Nikki to moan with frustration and open her eyes. Victor picked up the sponge, his eyebrows rising at Nikki questioningly. Nikki stopped a moment to compose herself and then nodded yes to Victor. Victor took the sponge in one hand, poured a nice amount of liquid soap on it, and turned Nikki around. Nikki contentedly leaned her head against his chest and sighed as Victor started moving the sponge all over her body, stopping in all the right places, and yet teasing her all at the same time. The sponge was both scratchy and soft against her tender skin, practically making her purr. Victor moved the sponge across her neck, her breasts, and then moved down to her stomach...and from there, sliding to her thighs and then coming back up. Nikki suddenly grabbed his hand. Victor froze, wondering what he had done wrong until he heard her soft whisper "Don't tease, this is not what I need right now"*

Victor slowly slide the sponge up her body as he brought his voice to a husk in Nikki's ear "What *do* you need?."

Not Answering, Nikki sighed and pressed herself backwards against him, swinging her hips slowly, causing Victor to stifle a cry of passion, and nearly drop the sponge.  
Nikki used his distracted state to extract the sponge from his grip and turned to him.  
Molding her body onto his, she started kissing him,moving her body against his, swinging her hips in circular motions.  
Between kisses, very deliberately, she slid the sponge across his chest, lathering him, creating a cloud of foam, and then slide the sponge down his stomach in one hand, while circling the other around his waist.

Victor bit his lip and grabbed both of her hands, pinning her against the wall none too gently.  
Nikki let out a startled gasp as Victor demended, his irises darkened with desire "Now who's the tease?."

His grip tightened on her hands, his breath coming out in short gasps, his voice trembling slightly "Say it." His eyes were fixed upon her "What-Do-You-Need?"

Nikki raised her eyes at him, her voice tinged with tears "You." She let out a sob "Oh dear god, just you"  
Victor did not need any more confirmation nor was he capeable of restraint any longer.  
Sighing loadly, he let her hands drop and moved to kiss her, rougher and needier that before. He entangled his hands in her hair, pulling just enough.  
Nikki let out a choked voice and wrapped her arms wrapped around his neck. She returned the intesity of the kiss, grazing his lips with her teeth, her fingers tightening on his shoulder, digging deep, enough to leave brusing that would be there the next day.*

Breaking their kiss for just a fraction, Victor picked her up by her thighes to settle against the wall in one swift movement.  
Nikki wrapped her legs around his waist, anchoring her heels on the small of his back to assist him and seeked his lips.  
Victor moved against her to hold her in place as they kissed, causing them to moan at the contact of their mutual desire.

Uncapable of any kind of coherent thought or coordinated movement anymore, Victo simply buried his face in the crook of her neck as he entered her, omitting a mutual cry of passion from both of them, as they started making love like never before.


	2. Aftermath

Victor was the one who turned off the water.

For the last 5 moments they were just standing there, clung together holding each other tightly together.  
Nikki’s head was leaning against Victor's chest, their arms warped around each other.

Victor turned the tap and the water stopped running, they were standing in the shower for a good 25 minutes, and the water were getting cold.

But it seemed like hours.

Nikki was the first one to break the contact between them..

She pulled back a little bit and trembled as cold air touched her skin, she opened her eyes and looked at him, not without an inner struggle, she felt vulnerable, exposed and sort of ...Ashamed.

Victor opened his eyes slowly and looked into hers, and said quietly “We should...”

Nikki nodded and stepped out of the shower, getting into her bathroom robe, she didn’t look back at Victor and stood there, drenching her hair.

She finally found the strength to look back, Victor pulled the robe she got for him earlier over himself and was looking straight at her, she felt like her heart skipped a beat, or two.  
She felt like his long, direct look was reading her heart and she couldn’t handle it, not before she was sure what was happening.

They stepped out of the shower together into the main bedroom, it was freezing inside the room, the window was half open, the drapes blowing in the cold wind.

Nikki tightened the rob to protect herself from the cold air, She set on the bed and pulled her hair out of her robe, it was tingling her, while Victor went to close the window.

He was the one who uttered the first few words... “Where is the heater remote control?”

Nikki looked at him for the first time in the last few minutes and managed to say quietly “In the first drawer” and pointed to her night stand.

Victor opened the drawer and took the remote control out, he turned the heater on and let out a deep sigh.  
As he reached out to put it back in, he noticed a small picture of Nikki and Nicholas, from 5 years before in the drawer, he took it out and looked at it, and sat on the bed, his face showing the pain he was feeling.

Nikki looked at him walked around to the other side of the bed and looked over his shoulder, and her face wrenched in pain as she saw what he was holding.

She was about to lean her head against his back shoulder but stopped herself at the very last second, she didn't want to fall apart on him.

She went to the window and looked outside at the falling snow and whispered in a small voice “It’s so cold tonight, I don’t remember a cold night quite like that one, so stormy..”

Victor turned to look at her and said “I know”.

She continued “I can’t help but thinking about Nicholas, all alone there, he must be freezing to death in that prison, they probably won't even give him a decent warm blanket” The sides of her mouth crumbled and there were tears in her voice “I can’t bear to think of him lying there, in his bed, so cold and alone for day, after day, after day for 15 years, I can’t!”  
Her voice choked on the last two words as tears were forming in her eyes.

Victor looked so totally grief stricken, he approached her and wrapped his arms around her from behind, she buried her face in her hands and started to cry, and turned around face him and they hugged each other.

Victor said quietly, tears falling for his eyes, caressing her hair “I have searched after every existing evidence to help our son, to prove that Matt Clark is lying and I hope to god Amy will be able to give us what we are looking for Nikki, I don’t know where to turn if she won’t be able to tell us, and soon. She is our only hope to free our son”

Nikki, her muffled cries calming down said “I pray for that every night, we just can’t lose him like that Victor, we can’t” and hugged him tighter...

They stood that way for a few moments, and then broke apart.  
Nikki was wiping her tears away, the room was warm and cozy, she looked at Victor, he looked at her back, both suddenly very aware of what happened between them tonight.

She waited for him to say something, Victor couldn't, not just yet, not right now.  
He looked away, toward the clothes on the chair and then back at Nikki.

She noticed the glance and pulled further aback, not looking at him, she wrapped her arms around herself protectively, his heart melted and he asked her "Do you want me to stay the night?"

She looked at him "Do you want to stay?"

He didn't answer to that and said "If you need me to stay here tonight, I will"

Nikki replied "If *you* need to stay here, stay"

He looked at her, looking so beautiful in her bathrobe, her hair still dripping water on the spanish carpets, and realized how much he didn't want to go home alone tonight, how much he wanted to be with her that night, to wrap his arms around her and to fall asleep with her.

He had a lot of emotions running in him, but frankly, the last thing he wanted to do at that hour, 4 AM in the morning was to talk about it, he approached her and said quietly "I don't want to be alone tonight"

She hung her blue eyes at his and said in a shaky voice "Neither do I?"

He said "Then I won't go"

She said "We need to talk"

He answered "I know we do" She bit her upper lip and looked at him, she couldn't handle that talk now either and said "Tomorrow"

Victor smiled "It's already tomorrow"

Nikki cracked a smile "Then later tomorrow"

He looked at her tenderly and said "Come here..." and hugged her tightly, she melted into his arms, and didn't want to let go.

They sat down on the bed, both suddenly realizing how exhausted, physically and emotionally they were, he looked at her said tenderly "Lets try to get some sleep, okay?"

Their robes were already dry, so they went inside the covers that were fuzzy and welcoming. Victor pulled her closer to him, and nestled her in his arms.  
She slide her hand inside his as both of the closed their eyes, they were warm and comfortable and fell into a dreamless sleep after less than 5 minutes.


	3. Dawn

A breath of light, cold wind woke Nikki up, she shivered and pulled the blanket over her head, cuddling inside the warm bed, she stretched and groaned... not really wanting to wake up.

She lied there for a few moments, her eyes closed and then she opened them and turned around to the other side of the bed and then it hit here, Victor, Victor wasn’t there.

Confused she sat in the bed, Moving her hand through her tousled hair, pushing it away from her face and looked around - the room was empty.

She sent her hand to rub her tight neck, and pulled it right back, the movement just made her shoulder muscles twinge and hurt, she grimaced and rubbed her eyes.

It took her a second, but the entire events of the day and night before came flashing back to her and she winced in pain, Nicholas’s verdict - 15 years in prison, Victor’s arrival, their lovemaking, going to sleep together - it all came back and she felt like she has been hit in the gut- she couldn’t believe he left without as much as waking her up.

She sat there in utter shock for a few moments, jumbled thoughts running through her mind, she tightened the loose robe around her and then noticed a note under the bed, it was a few lines “Gone to an early meeting with Amy’s psychiatrist, didn't want to wake you up, Victor”.

And that was it “..Didn’t want to wake you up, Victor”, no “I’ll call later” or any reference to what happened between them the night before, like it never happened.

“He should have woken me up” she thought, “Why didn’t he?”

She looked around the room and couldn’t help but feeling a little bit better for a split second through her pain, The heater was still turned on, the window was slightly open letting a light breeze of wind blowing gently into the room, and the electric sheet was turned on, warming her up.

Tears formed in her eyes, He knew her so well, this is exactly the way she loved to sleep at night, with the heater, but with some wind blowing in.

She set and straightened the pillow behind her, leaned back and let her mind wander...  
Thoughts of last night went through her mind, she felt totally miserable, they needed to have that talk today, and instead he ran away from that - from her, from what they shared laat night, the pain, the passion, the need for each other...if that wasn’t it he would have woken her up, “some things never change” she thought sadly.  
She noticed there was another blanket on her.... he must put a second blanket on her sometime in the morning... it wasn’t there last night.

“Dammit” she thought angrily “Why did he leave, and why did I let myself be so weak and vulnerable to him?”.

The thought “because I needed him” was there, hanging at the back of her mind, but she didn’t let herself think that - although she knew it was true, she knew how much she wanted and needed him the night before - she knew that, and she knew how Victor felt, or at least, she thought she did.

He needed her as much as she needed him the night before, she knew that with every fiber of her being, the way he reacted to her in the shower told her how much he wanted her, too... but there was no news at that, they have always been so incredibly attracted to each other, no matter what, “What was different last night?”

She asked herself, she knew what it was... Victor's ability to admit he needed her, and acting on it.

A bitter expression crossed her face, Victor was vulnerable to her last night, he was in pain and so was she and they helped each other through it, but she knew him for far too long to think that he is going to let the situation with Nicholas continue without giving anything he has to free their son, and to come back to take control over the situation, and, more important, his own feelings.

Discussing his feelings with her was not in the game plan, not with Victor.

But she truly thought he would stay, that they have been through too much to back away from it.

She looked at the clock, it was 8:30 AM, she slept for a merely 4.5 hours, “How early was this meeting anyway?” She thought tiredly.

She sent her hand to her neck again, trying to massage it and longed Victor was there...although the tension in her neck and body was his fault to begin with.

She couldn't help but smile to herself, making love to Victor was always the best... it wasn’t just the sex itself, it was the passion, the lust, there was no other man she felt so weak in the knees to his sight like she did with Victor.  
But she was angry at herself, her vulnerability to him, It wasn’t like that with any other man she was ever with, not with Jack and not with Bra...

Brad.

A huge twinge of guilt ran through her body, and made it difficult for her to breath, a third addition to the heart wrenching pain over Nicholas and the sadness and confusion about Victor.

She sank further into the bed, inside the blankets - Brad.

She was seeing him for the past 6 months, he was good to her, and he helped her forget everything that was wrong in her life.  
Though they had cooled off ever since the nightmare with Nicholas began, because Victor was constantly around and he had no idea they were seeing each other... bang, another pang of guilt.

She buried her face in her hands, sank into the bed, rolled to the side and reached out to hug the pillow, she felt so confused about everything, and so alone.  
She felt guilty, she cheated on Brad, and he didn’t deserved it at all.

She had no idea what to say to him the next time she would see him, he thought they had a relationship, so did she, sort of.  
She was always able to make the separation of what was happening with Victor and what was happening with the other men she was seeing - she cared a lot for Brad, she loved spending time with him, But...

What she felt, and always feel for Victor was something completely different, through the last year she grew to accept it as something that will always be in her heart, just a feeling that is always - she never thought she’ll ever be in a situation vulnerable enough to act on it, further more, she never thought Victor would.

There she couldn’t even deal with the thought about it, she didn't’ want to deal with any of that at all, she simply wanted it all to go away, she hugged the pillow and let the tears run on her cheek.

At the tackroom, Victoria Nicole Newman Howard was busy getting dressed, she slept poorly the night before and cried for hours, she couldn’t believe Nicholas was going to prison.

He was her baby brother, and they had gotten so close that past year, they talked to each other, he was that friend she did not have, Cole was her husband, Ryan was a friend, but there was too much history going on between them, and she never really had any girlfriends, she could talk to Nicholas, and she knew he always admired her in some way, her spunk, business success.

He didn’t know how much she envied him, his - sort of inner peace, something she didn't recall ever having any.  
Actually, he was the only one in the family that had that quality, to be satisfied with life, be good natured about the good and the bad things, naivety that the world was a good place, that everything will always be okay.

And he was the one who was in jail right now, to have his young, good heart broken, his spirit crushed, spending time away from freedom, fresh air, the people who loved him with who knows what people, to be filled with bitterness because he was sitting in prison for a crime he didn’t commit.

Victoria was sad, Cole was gone, he had an important meeting about his book this morning and though he had offered to reschedule she told him to go ahead, she needed time alone anyway.  
She looked through the window toward the main-house, she felt guilty over not going to her mother last night, she couldn’t imagine how she must have felt, and she knew her father didn’t stay long “You should have gone to check up on her, Victoria” she scolded herself.

She, at least had Cole to help her through the pain.

She walked out and headed toward the mainhouse.

She walked toward the mainhouse, and ran into Miguel “Hey Miguel” She called,

“Good morning Victoria, how are you?” He replied, a bit sadly - he was too shocked of what happened to Nicholas.

Victoria managed a smile “I’ve been better, Miguel, tell me, did you see mom this morning”

Miguel said worriedly “No, No Victoria I didn’t, she turned in very late last night, she was still awake when I turned in, I was deeply concerned about her”

Victoria looked at him with another pang of guilt “She didn’t take it well didn’t she?

Miguel said “I assume not, she didn’t let her feelings show, at least not when I was in the room, but I know her very well”

Victoria sighed “Neither of us is dealing with it very well, Miguel, it’s just so unfair”

Miguel just nodded sympathetically “I’m going to take it up to her” and pointed to the trey with the coffee, orange juice and toast he held “I think she would need it”

Victoria told him “Miguel, it’s aright, I would take it up to her”

Miguel nodded and handed her the trey. Victoria climbed up the stairs to her mother’s room.

She knocked on the door, once and twice and didn’t hear a response, she opened the door.

Nikki was lying on the bed, curled to a ball, holding the pillow in her hands, her eyes opened, but she was a million times away.

Victoria called out softly “Mom...”

Nikki snapped out of the trance and looked at her daughter, wiped her tears quickly and sat in the bed “Oh hi honey, what are you doing here?”

Victoria showed her the trey, “I brought you something to drink, and to eat”

Nikki looked at the trey and said “oh, thank you angel, I appreciate it, but I think I don’t have much of an appetite ”

Victoria sat on the bed and said “Cole made me eat this morning, so you might as well eat to”

Nikki said her sadly “I can’t enjoy food right now, knowing what your brother is eating where he is"

Victoria looked away, tears in her and said “I know, I thought of nothing else”

She looked at her mother “Mom, I’m sorry”

Nikki asked her “Sorry for what?”

Victoria said “For not coming over last night, and let you stay here all by yourself”

Victoria's words "last night" triggered a thought in Nikki’s mind ' Oh god....Victoria should never know”

Nikki knew what would happen should Victoria find out what had transpired between her parents the night before.  
She couldn’t deal with Victoria's reaction to it, the conclusions she might make, her joy, her hopes - she didn’t want to let another child down.

And told Victoria “You needed to be with your husband, I understand”

Victoria said guiltily “But It was wrong, I’ m sorry, I should have come... I couldn’t”

Nikki held her daughter's hand “Why couldn’t you?”

Vicki responded sadly "I felt so miserable mom, so sad... I couldn’t deal with anyone else’s pain, I’m sorry”

Nikki smiled at her and wiped her daughter’s cheek “That’s okay, I understand, I’m fine”

Victoria looked at her and told her “Mom, you look like hell..”

Nikki let out a cry mixed with a laugh “Thank you, darling, It just helps so much”

Victoria said apolegestically “Its just that, you looked like you hardly slept”

Nikki looked at her daughter “I hardly didn’t, I kept thinking about your brother...”

Nikki choked on her tears and tried to hold it together, Victoria said, crying herself “I know... I couldn't think of anything else either, the look on Nick’s face when the judge told him he is sending him for 15 years... and the expression on Dad’s face”

Nikki shivered to the mention of Victor’s name but managed to say to her daughter |Your father took it very hard, he blames himself”

Victoria looked at her, bewildered “Dad blames himself? Why, he did everything he could have?!”

Nikki nodded and said “I know, but for your father, that's not enough, not this time”

Victoria cried “God... I just feel so helpless mom, Nick’s in jail, and there is nothing we can do”

Victoria buried her face in her hands and started to sob, Nikki’s heart filled with grief over her daughter’s pain and she pulled her to her for a tight embrace, whispering “Shhh.. oh baby”

Victoria’s arms tightened around her mother, realizing how much she wanted her to hug her all night long, she cried “I just want everything to be all right mom, I want to wake up and find out it was all a nightmare, I want Nick to be home!”

Nikki, tears tears rolling on her cheeks said “I know you do baby, so do I”

Victoria pulled back and looked at her mother and asked her “Can I get into the bed with you, like I used to?”

Nikki reached out her arms to her daughter and told her ”Come here, angel”

Victoria went into the bed and put her head in her mother’s lap, Nikki moved her fingers through her daughter beautiful hair as they both found comfort in each other’s arms....


	4. His soul-searching

Victor slammed the door of his car so strongly the windows shuddered, He moved his hands through his hair in sheer frustration, He had just come back from seeing Amy’s psychiatrist, despite his better will he was beginning to get impatient with her, his son’s life was on the line and she wouldn’t even let him talk to Amy.

Victor hit the steering wheel with his hand and took a deep breath, trying to calm down, he understood where she was coming from, and he certainly didn't want to hurt Amy in any way, but he was deeply concerned for his son and what might happen to his in prison.

He took another deep breath and then turned the engine on and the car started to move.

He drove quietly, deep into thoughts, he just wanted to get back to the apartment, he was tired and edgy, and wouldn’t be much use at work as the car stopped at a jam next to the cross road he sent a look to the road heading west - the road leading into the ranch, He closed his eyes and let his mind wander... to Nikki.

“Oh Nikki...” He thought to himself “How did our family come to that, where did we go so terribly wrong?”  
He inhaled deeply and tried to escape his thoughts, he couldn’t.  
His mind wandered to last night, he didn't quite recalled those three, four hours before he ended up at the ranch, he just remembered the ride, the dark thoughts of failure that overwhelmed him.  
“I have always gotten my way, always made people listen to me, What good all of that power and all of that success did for me now? My son’s in jail and I am helpless to help him” He still thought bitterly...

He couldn’t remember a day quite so hard and quite so painful as the day before.  
He never believe the judge would give Nicholas 15 years, he was sure he would take his clean record, good home and take his and Nikki’s heartfelt pleas into his heart - he was wrong, as he has been about so many things regarding his son.  
Him and Nicholas's closeness over the few months prior to what happened surprised even him, he felt like he was getting to know Nicholas as his own man and as his son, but yet - he felt like he missed so much, too much “And now I might never have that chance again” He thought sadly.

As much as the hours after the verdict was given were blurry in his mind, he remembered everything that happened later with an incredible vividness...every moment, every second.

He never meant to show his vulnerability to her , to expose his heart and soul to her that way, he never meant for that to happen... He just couldn’t help himself, the soft touch of her hand, the concern in her voice when she saw him walk through the door, knowing that she felt exactly what he did...

He was cold, and exhausted and sad beyond words and when she tried to comfort him, in spite of her own pain - he let his guards down, her soft voice and tenderness touched the things that troubled him, that he felt it was his responsibility Nicholas was in prison right now...

A car horned and Victor noticed the car in front of him moved forward, he pressed the gas peddle and then had to stop again...

But revealing your feelings was one thing, and he wasn’t prepared at all to what happened later, when she walked into the bathroom, the position they were in didn’t even occur to him, he was just so glad she was there, to have someone who completely understood what he was going through and who needed him - and someone he could actually help to, he felt so helpless where Nicholas was concerned, it was up to Amy, and the stubborn psychiatrist.

But what happened between him and Nikki the night before, was more then two parents comforting each other, when she touched him, it was like his entire body went up in flames.

He tried to focus on the road but it was extremely difficult for him, he kept flashing back to that night, her delicate beauty, the tears in her eyes, her soft lips on his, they way she responded to him.... the way she made him respond to her, like no other woman ever could.  
That was not a new thing, but he had forgotten how badly she made him lose control.

And Victor couldn’t have that, every time he lost control over his feelings, he ended up hurt.  
He shook his head, he never should have let it happen, he never should have lost control like that, over his feelings and actions, especially not his actions, he couldn’t deal with his feelings toward Nikki right now, it was too complicated, so many history and feelings were involved, so many other lives.

“But you can’t get her out of your mind, can you” He asked himself.

Victor remembered the look she gave him after it was over, he knew she as confused, she looked more then confused, she looked ashamed somehow.  
He knew how Nicholas being in jail must have affected her deeply, he was her youngest child and she loved him deeply, she looked in so much pain, he could never stand seeing her cry.

“How much of it was just need and how much was something else? “ He wondered out loud.

They both needed someone the other night, he knew he needed her more then ever, but he can’t let that continue - he needs some self control right now, If he wants to help Nicholas.  
And he doesn't need to make any stupid mistakes, like the mess he made out of the deal he almost had with Matt - which happened from precisely the same reason he made love to Nikki last night - lack of control over his emotions, and he couldn’t live like that, it was too hard for him to deal with it.

Especially now, Nick was in prison, He was served with divorce papers a few days after Nick’s trail began, his lost too much when he let his feelings get the best of him, that’s why he didn’t stay to talk to Nikki in the morning.

When he woke up she was lying in between his arms, asleep.  
Her legs were tangled in his, her head resting on his chest...she looked so beautiful and fragile lying there it made his heart ache.

His feelings for her confused him, and he didn'’t know what to think about what happened between them.  
Was it something else beyond need and pain and lust? And even if it was - can they afford to act on it?  
Neither of them could deal with anymore pain, and they had both hurt each other in the past, a lot of things always remained unsaid and unspoken between them.

He couldn't deal with that confusion in a straight foward talk with her that morning, he wasn't sure if they could talk only about that, with everything going on with Nicholas.

He knew her too well - she would want to talk, but he couldn’t work it out with her, not then.

Whatever he decide to do right now, it has to be a rational decision first, and only then an emotional one, there was too much going on now in both of their lives right now, none of them could deal with anymore pain right now, he didn’t like the confusion he felt, the indecisiveness, he always wanted to see the road ahead, and he didn't’ like to be unable to control his heart - or at least his actions.

And he did had that early meeting with Amy’s doctor at 8:00, and he wanted to drive by his apartment first, so he left the ranch around 7:00, he left quietly so he wouldn't’ wake her up, she needed to sleep.  
He took his wet clothes from last night with him, and hung his robe to dry.  
He had to deal with his pain and feelings first before he talks to her, and he imagined she had to deal with her, and he had so many things to do that morning.  
So he left her the note, and left, but even now, 5 hours later he wasn’t even ready to sort out his heart, if anything he was more confused then ever, and if only the memories of last night hadn’t haunted him like that!

He had no idea with what conclusions Nikki would draw from it, he hopes she would understand his confusion, but deep down, he knew he handled it very badly “Hell, I seem to handle everything badly lately”  
He couldn’t bring himself to drive to the ranch, to see her right now, he knew he would react to her the same way he did last night, and until he gets his feelings under control and figure out what he is really feels, he couldn’t, he just couldn't’....

He reached the crossroads, sent a look west but headed east, to the apartment.

“Hey mom, what’s with the bathrobe?” asked Victoria suddenly, he hand was still in Nikki’s lap, but she was no longer crying, she couldn't anymore, and she didn't’ want Nikki to worry about her as well, and tears were contagious , and too painful, and once you started, it’s very difficult to stop.

Nikki, her hand still playing with her daughter’s hair pulled out of the trance, she looked for a quick excuse and said casually “Oh, well, I took a shower shortly before going to bed, and then I was so tired I just fell asleep with it”

Victoria, not suspicious said “Oh, okay... are you sure you don’t want to eat anything?”

Nikki shook her head “No, the orange juice is enough, honey” she looked down at her daughter “feeling better?”

Victoria said sadly “Not much, do you?”

Nikki shook her hands “I don’t think I’ll ever feel better, not as long as your brother is there..”

Victoria asked her “Did you talk to dad, has there been any progress regarding Amy?”

Nikki stiffened again “No, not that I’m aware of”

Victoria did take notice at Nikki’s reaction, set down in bed and asked “Mom, is there something else going on here?”

Nikki said, shrugging “I don’t know what you’re talking about”

Victoria looked at her “You know, like something regarding Nick you are not telling me?”

Nikki shook her head “No, Victoria, I told you all that I know”

Vicki apologized “I’m sorry, it’s just that, you looked kinda weird when I asked you”

Nikki said “I’m just tired, and very sad”

Vicki hugged her “I know you do...” she got up from bed and wiped her tears “well, I think I’m going to work...”

Nikki looked at her with amazement “today?”

Victoria looked at her and said “well, it’s better then staying here, and Ryan started working for Jill,  
Dad’s practically MIA and Neil is distracted about something lately, I really needed there, and I can’t help Nicholas... do you want to come to town and grab lunch with me later?”

Nikki shook her head and smiled at her daughter “No, I don’t think so, I... I don’t feel like getting dressed up and go out, and I probably won’t manage to squeeze down anything anyway”

Victoria looked at her “Are you sure?”

Nikki tried to smile “Positive”

Victoria said “Okay... BTW, when do you think they would let us see Nicholas?”

Nikki said “I called the prison, his first visitation day is tomorrow..”

Her voice choked on tears “I can’t believe I’m going to visit my son in prison, it just seem so unreal”

Victoria nodded “I know, it seems unrealistic for me too, I just hope he is being treated well”

Nikki said “me too, I’m afraid that something will happen to him there more than everything”

Victoria hugged her mother for a few moments and then said “I’m going to go, you’ll be okay?”

Nikki smiled weakly and said “yea, I’ll be fine, go to work don’t worry”

She kissed her daughter and Victoria took off.

Nikki got up from bed, and stretched, She walked into the bathroom to wash her teeth and her eyes locked on the shower.

Memories floated in her mind as she touched the glass around the shower, she turned her head away, fighting the memories.. .  
She had no idea what to do now, the pain over Nicholas was enough to last her a life time, she couldn’t deal with a pain over what is going on, or not going on with Victor.  
She can’t afford this vulnerability - she can’t deal with it, in a decisive movement she started brushing her teeth, trying very hard to forget.


End file.
